Kingdom Hearts: What The Hell?
by AGodofIrony
Summary: Confused and disgusted by the strange Kingdom Hearts fan fics, one author steps up...To make fun of them. As the cast of Kingdom Hearts deals with school, rabid fan girls, and an author who's not afraid to get ironic, you should probably heed the warning.
1. The Prologue of Truth

A.N. I've been working on this in secret for a while now, but, well, I need the reviews that this will hopefully generate to keep it up.

To those of my Sonic Fan Fic readers, I apologize for not having a new part for Chaotic Memories or Quest For A House. I hope to update those soon...ish...We'll see.

Anyways, back to Kingdom Hearts. This story was born by me trying to find a good Kingdom Hearts story that was not slash or AU. What horrifies me the most is when it's both. Insert shudder here.

Especially school fan fics. The hell is up with all of those? Yah, I said a bad word.

For those who have read previous humor stories of mine, this is not my typical humor. It's a bit more in your face and pokes fun at people. Mainly, fan people. Who am I kidding, it's mostly fan girls with this slash stuff.

If I insult anyone in this, I wish I could say I apologize...But I can't. Feel free to flame me, as I figure I can use their power to keep this up.

Without further ado, my first posted Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction...

Kingdom Hearts: What The Hell?

* * *

A dry cough, and a blonde haired teenager stepped into the spotlight, standing idly on the stage, dressed in his white outfit, looking a little nervous.

"Hello," the blonde said, nodding his head and showing no emotion. "As you all may know, my name is Roxas, and I have been asked by The Author to introduce this Fan Fiction, inspired by the amazing amount of…shall we say 'strange' things seen in the Kingdom Hearts section. Now…"

Roxas paused suddenly, as there was a loud explosion, part of the curtain catching on fire, a tall red head wearing a black coat appearing, doing a slight jig as he appeared on stage, a second spot light on him.

"And I'm Axel! A-X-E-L! Got it memorized?" the red head shouted, pumping his fist into the air as he stood next to his fellow Nobody.

"…Axel…What are you doing here?" Roxas wondered, eyebrow raised, looking towards his friend.

"I'm spicing things up!" the fire user grinned, "You're being all drab and boring with this intro, Roxas my main bud. We need pizzazz, fireworks, robotic puppies, free ice cream, and blue hedgehogs!"

Roxas paused, considering all this, then offered, "Robotic puppies?"

"Okay, those _are_ kinda creepy. Maybe not those," Axel mused, nodding his head, "An epic fight scene?"

"This is just an introduction Axel," Roxas responded, "Fight scenes aren't due for a while."

"Well then let's introduce this thing already before the audience falls asleep!" Axel shouted, and Roxas sighed, shaking his head.

"Alright, alright. Ahem," Roxas coughed lightly, then turned back to the audience, "Now, this fic will probably end up making fun of many of the Kingdom Hearts Fan Fics out there on FF Net. Since, well, most of them seem to be slash…"

"Really now? What's slash?" Axel wondered, then snapped his fingers, a red laptop appearing in his hands, "Guess I better figure out how to work this thing now…"

"Errr…" Roxas muttered, eyes widening as he looked at the lap top, "I wouldn't do that Axel…You will have nightmares. _Bad_ nightmares."

"Aren't all nightmares bad? And hey, I may already be a winner…and enlarge my-"

Axel suddenly found himself whacked upside the head with Roxas' Oblivion Keyblade, crying out in pain and rubbing said head.

"I was gonna say pectorals!" Axel groaned, "get your mind out of the gutter Roxas! Now, what's the 'ouh-are-elle' for this 'eff-eff' net place?"

"I will never tell!" Roxas shouted, waving his Oblivion Keyblade and smashing Axel's lap top, then racing away, the red headed pyro standing there, blinking, then chasing after him, pulling out his own weapons.

"Get back here! You owe me a new lap top!"

Silence descended the stage, and now, two new figures emerged from the scene.

"Garsh Donald, are we really in the right spot?" it was strange, dog-man-like creature, dressed in green, looking confused and glancing about, a spotlight on him.

"Of course we are! Look, there's the audience!" a angry white duck wearing blue shouted, waving towards the seats which held everyone. Another spotlight was focused on him.

"Wow! Awful lot of them!" the dog-man-like creature commented, "Hiyuck! My name's Goofy!"

"Donald," the duck muttered, "Now we're here only briefly, until the beginning of this fic. We will show in the fic as well, of course. Now, I'm wondering why so many of you Kingdom Hearts authors can call your stories 'fan fics' when so many of them are AU! Now OOC I can understand, if it's all done in humor, but come on, how many of these 'school' ones are there! Bad enough there's all these weird pairings in them, but come on people!"

"I personally like the Sora/Kairi pairing myself," Goofy nodded, "But those seem so rare."

Donald nodded, "Yes, yes, we all support that pairing here. Except Xemnas, who just wants to kill us all. And stop blushing Sora!"

There was a whimper from off stage, then Donald turned back towards the audience.

A portal of darkness appeared suddenly, and Axel appeared, a little scruffed up, but otherwise fine. "Hey, what's 'fluff'?" He had also acquired a new laptop and was peering at the screen, "And what's…"

Axel paused again. "Okay, would Sora/Roxas be incest or narcissism?"

There was a pause, and a collective shudder went down the three's back, and there was a thud from off stage.

"Well, looks like we gotta revive Sora so we can get on with this story! Hiyuck, see you later!" Goofy waved, as the outer curtains closed over them, and the fire from earlier beginning to spread towards the audience.

"Seriously though…What's 'fluff'?"

* * *

A.N. And thus, it begins.


	2. The Chapter of Destiny

A.N. And now to officially begin the story.

Muhahaha.

* * *

The Author stood upon a large and foreboding hill, looking upwards, holding up a stick, rain pelting all around, lightning raining from the sky.

The Author waved the stick, and the rain and lightning ceased to be.

In a large and booming voice, The Author spoke.

"**And thus I begin the ritual for Fan Fiction!"** The Author shouted, arms raised high, then began to speak in some ancient and completely made up on the spot tongue.

However, he failed to notice a few females sneaking up on him, holding large and blunt weapons…

The script laid idly on the hill, it's pages flapping in the wind, the rain from earlier returning, drenching it's pages and making it unreadable…

* * *

The die was cast…The story now begun.

_Zen._

* * *

"Oh _shit_," Sora mumbled, glancing about wildly, finding himself in a school uniform, in the middle of a crowded hall, a backpack on his back.

"I'm in an AU school fic!" Sora grumbled, slumping against the wall, "Why did we have to start with this one?!"

Sora then paused, glancing towards the right, and saw Kairi approaching him, also looking very peeved off, especially having to wear the female school uniform.

"_I suppose there are_ some_ benefits though…"_ Sora mused, walking towards Kairi. "Peeved we started here too?"

"Of course I am!" Kairi answered, shaking her head, "Though I suppose it could be worse. Seen Riku or the others?"

"Nope, just appeared here. You?" Sora answered.

Another shake of the head, "Only seen you."

There was an earth shattering ringing, and instinctively Sora pulled out his Keyblade in a flash of light, screaming and thinking there was Heartless and/or Nobody attack, seeing something in black, then proceeding to beat the snot out of it.

After a few seconds, Sora stopped, seeing a kid dressed in black limp away and cry silently to himself.

"Very manly there Sora. You beat up an emo," Kairi said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

The Keyblade Master looked around bewildered, surprised that no one in the halls seemed to have noticed anything, then turned back to Kairi.

"Well he was wearing all black! He looked like a Heartless to me," Sora grumbled. "And that noise startled me."

"That was the bell," a voice from behind and below Sora answered, and the Keyblade Master spun around, looking downwards, and seeing Donald, dressed in a suit, sans pants.

"Donald!" Sora grinned, then paused, "You're not wearing pants!"

"Did you just notice? Know how hard it is to walk with legs like mine while wearing pants or shorts? Near impossible!" Donald countered, glaring towards his friends, "Now, I think we better find Goofy before…Oh-"

Kairi and Sora blushed at the next word that came out of the duck's mouth, then turned around.

"RUN!" Riku screamed, tearing down the hall, as a mass of school girls behind him squealed, "He's so cute!" Or "He belongs with Sora!" "No, Cloud!" "No, my character!"

"Oh…" Sora and Kairi said, repeating Donald, then turned to run.

Streaming through the halls, Sora, Kairi, Donald, and Riku kept moving, until there was a flash of fire and red.

Axel grinned, appearing from a random door, dressed like a student too, looking at the ground of schoolgirls who was coming at them.

"Quickly!" he shouted, "In here!"

They piled in through the door after him, and soon it was closed, and locked, thanks to both Sora and Riku.

"Have any of you guys seen the script?" Axel wondered, flicking on the light, showing that they were in a broom closet. It was a little cramped, and Sora noted that Kairi was pressed against him. He had no complaints about this.

"Script?" they all wondered.

"Yah, script. We were placed in an AU school fic, but we are still ourselves, mostly," Axel nodded, peering through a small slot in the door. "Damn, the fan girls are still outside."

"What are fan girls doing here though?" Riku wondered, attempting to hide behind a mop and failing fantastically.

Axel paused, then frowned, shaking his head, "We're not entirely sure."

"We?" Kairi then asked, raising an eyebrow. Sora wondered why it felt so hot in the closet right now.

"The Organization. Obviously something's up. The author might not have as much control as he thought. Fan girls are getting through somehow, and trying to stop this parody from existing," Axel said, still peering through the slot, "I'm worried about Roxas and Namine. Haven't seen Roxas since I beat him up for breaking my laptop."

Riku gulped, a bit of sweat beading down his forehead, "But…I'm not gay! THEY CAN'T MAKE ME BE GAY!"

"Quiet!" Axel snapped, "Do you want them to hear us?"

"It's locked with our Keyblades," Riku huffed, "No way they're getting in."

"Unless they get enough power to appear as their characters…Then…Well, we're probably screwed," Axel pointed out. "Damn lazy author probably isn't paying to much attention to us. They could break through the fourth wall completely any minute now!"

"Wait!" Sora shouted suddenly, his voice abnormally loud, his voice cracking a bit, "That's it! We'll find the fourth wall and lock it!"

"It could be anywhere, in any number of KH-styled universes," Axel pointed out, "We need a way to find the entry point."

"We have to try something," Kairi sighed, "Is it safe?"

Axel checked the slot again, nodding, "Looks clear. Let's go."

As the four headed out, Sora paused, looking around.

"Hey…" He said, "Where'd Donald go?"

* * *

A.N. I really don't have anything to say.

I do NOT own Kingdom Hearts.


End file.
